I Love You. You're Disgusting.

Ready for a little TMI? If you're not, then too bad. Read about the glamour, the beauty of the motherhood that is my reality right now. I dare you...

I was ill prepared for how disgusting motherhood would be. It started right away too - pregnancy is so gross. I don't care how much you LOVED being pregnant (I didn't), you have to admit it was rude. The gallons of toxic vaginal mucous and crusty stuff coming out of my nipples made me wish I had saved all those latte dollars for a surrogate.

At any rate, I made it through. Then came the super yucky delivery - placenta pate anyone? Truly horrifying recovery - fourth degree tear, couldn't wipe my ass clean after a bowel movement for almost two months. And infancy - poop pee poop pee poop pee and so on and so on and so on. I had changed dirty diapers before, as a babysitter in my teens, but I was really disenchanted by the other grossness of motherhood.

My little girl, Aubrey, is almost three. Three in June. She's sweet and kind. Snuggly and girly. She loves her baby doll and her stuffed animals. She loves to smell flowers and help mommy bake in the kitchen. She's also the grossest person I've ever met. Every day seems to bring a new level of yuck into our home, especially since using the toilet is still so funny, exciting and scary all at once. Lots of potty talk.

Now, before I go any further, I'd like to state that I do NOT have a weak stomach. I grew up with three older brothers and it's almost impossible to truly gross me out. I just can't believe how rude motherhood can be.

These are three actual, verbatim conversations I've had with Aubrey recently:

(Opening to Aubrey's bedroom door upon waking up in the morning.)

Aubrey: Mommy! Look! (running up her bed to her pillow, pointing to a gray, crusty blob on the wall) That came out of my nose!!

Me: Wow! That's great sweetie! Is that a big boogie?

Aubrey: YEAH!!

(She was SO excited.)

(Aubrey sitting on the toilet but not going potty, starts poking around down under. Like REALLY down under, to door number two. Then she sniffs her index finger and yells.)

Aubrey: What's that smell?! (holding her finger out to me) Smell it mommy!

Me: No thank you. I don't want to smell your finger. Are you done trying? Let's wash your hands.

(Aubrey is digging ferociously in her ear with her pinky. She pulls it out and offers it to me.)

Aubrey: Taste it mommy!

Me: Ummmm... no thanks.

I often wonder why I still like this person. If this were an adult, I would not want to hang out with them. Young children are so primal - like little animals. Sometimes I feel like I have a magical talking pet in the house. And it's times like these that make me realize the mother child bond really is something special. There's no one else in the world whose offer of "smell my finger" after touching their butt, would make me laugh and inspire me to write.

I know it's my job to teach her it's inappropriate to do these things. The trick is to do it without making her ashamed of or self conscious about her body or feel like she's naughty for exploring her world. It's a fine line and no one wants their child to be the gross-out kid at school.

I'm enjoying the humor in all of this while I can because I know, soon enough, my daughter will be a big kid who likes the feeling of being clean, washing her hands and brushing her teeth all on her own. I think it's right around that time she will start thinking I'm totally lame and embarrassing and I'll be writing about ungratefulness instead. So for now, I'll take the boogers and stinky fingers in exchange for all the hugs, kisses and I love you mommys. Totally worth it. Gross, but worth it.

Funk Funk In a FUNK!

Life is busy. Too busy. As I mentioned in my last post, I'm going to try to move at the end of this month and now that I've made up my mind to get the heck out of Dodge (well, Sherman Oaks) I can't find a place. Searching for the right home is a lot like having another job. Lots of research, phone calls, meetings, discussions and decisions. Granted, I've only been looking a couple weeks, but I'm already super frustrated.

After viewing several places that just weren't it, we found a great town home in the perfect neighborhood. We hustled to get our application in and then we sat and... waited. The next day the leasing agent told me the owner is considering moving back in!! WHAT?!!! She didn't have the entire story yet and said she would get back to me as soon as she new the details. Ugh.

So... we wait some more. In the mean time, I'm finding there is almost no inventory in our price range, in the neighborhoods we want.

I'm the kind of person who likes to get on with the getting on once I make up my mind and now that I've decided I want out of this current house, I'm going nuts having to wait and having few other options to look at.

If anyone out there has a 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom, 2 car garage house/town house/duplex in Woodland Hills/Warner Center area, that they would like to rent to my LOVELY family and me, please, for the love of God, let me know.

Another Year, Another Move

I'm not exactly sure, but I think I have moved EVERY DAMN YEAR since 2003 or 2004. And moved a hell of a lot before that too. Always different reasons. Some involving a man (rather not talk about it), a roommate, baby being born, landlord changes, etc. Said baby is a toddler now, I have happily shed said man, I'm getting older and, believe it or not, I'm in a relationship that might actually last - I'm feeling the need to fluff up the nest and stay a while. Problem is, I live in one of the most expensive counties in the US, but I love it. Furthermore, I have shared custody of my child and for me that means I'm here for now unless I want to ditch my kid. So...

I am currently renting a small house in a neighborhood that I LOVE, but the house can kiss my ass.

Here are the loves:

- Location, location, location! Great safe neighborhood, close to park, mall, stores, restaurants, quiet street, can hop right on to two of the biggest freeways in minutes. It's uber convenient!

- Quality of life - I have several very wonderful friends within a couple miles or less of my front door. Some are even within walking distance.

- Love the house size and design

Here's the not so much:

- This little house's utilities are killing me! Power and gas are sky high and rent ain't cheap. BUT rent ain't cheap anywhere decent in L.A. County

- Old house is drafty and cold in winter - but cool in summer. Freezing my tush off right now. No insulation and the walls are paper thin.

- Pool - fun, but not worth the cost and liability with little ones around

- Maintenance crew is slower than a retarded snail (house is owned by an apt complex company)

- Major ant problem. Major.

- Electric dryer hook up. REALLY? Lame. Expensive.

- Why are my washer and dryer in my kitchen? REALLY? Lame. Noisy. Dusty.

- General condition of the house is not so great. Not immediately noticeable, visually, but the kind of old house BS that makes me REALLY glad I don't own this place.

It's been a nice little house to rent temporarily, but it's just not where I want to stay for long. Aubrey will be starting pre-school this summer and I guess I'd rather get on with the getting on now and get it over with. I'd love to find a place to stay put in and, sadly, this just isn't it.

Sincerely,

Sick Of Moving

L.A. Moms Invade Pacific Waters Spa - AHHH!

The Asian Valley Girls Get Their Spa On!

Bern-Baby-Bern, FunnyYellowMom & SweatPantsMom

This mama is RELAXED! I am not usually a spa girl. Spa treatments are pricey and take a lot of time. I admit, I have a hard time relaxing. As a working mom with a really weird career, there is always something more important to do than getting a mani/pedi. However, last night I was lucky enough to be part of a promotional night of pampering at Pacific Waters Spa at the Huntington Beach Hyatt and oh boy, did I take my time and relax!

A group of us exhausted and deserving (hee hee) mothers were given robes and slippers and ushered into the "Relaxation Room". Then massage therapists and estheticians appeared and one by one called us in for our spa treatments. We received mini neck/back/shoulder massages, hand treatments and facials which were all amazing!

My awesome esthetician, Madea (oh gosh, did I spell her name right?)

We also learned how to make a Coco Mocha Latte Mask and a Peppy Sugar Scrub at home with regular food items from the grocery store. We were given a tour of the entire spa and it was beautiful!

My second favorite part, after the massage, was our own special buffet and a post spa, custom made drink, called the "Momtini". Yes please.

Seriously, I've been to the Burke Williams Spas before and the Pacific Waters Spa puts Burkey-Poo to shame and for comparable prices. Every spa treatment you can imagine is available here including a treatments for men, couples treatments, special soaks, full salon and fitness classes. The staff was professional and capable and the food was amazing.

I can't recommend Pacific Waters Spa enough and I can't wait to go back there. NOW, here's the great news for my friends here in SoCal - become a Fan on Pacific Waters Spa on Facebook and write on their wall, "Referred by Amy Anderson" and they will give you 20% off any 60 minute spa treatment!!! WOOHOO! And if I refer a zillion people to follow/Fan them on Twitter and Facebook, I will get some spa services too! (You didn't think I did this without a motive, did you?) You have until January 31... GO!

Amy Gets Emotional... and she wasn't even on the rag

I'm originally from the Midwest and people back there always ask me if I'm afraid of earthquakes living in Southern California. Honestly, I'm still more afraid of tornados and lutefisk, but I'm not made of stone...

Being a comedian, I fly the friendly skies for a living. This morning, on board my flight home to LAX, waiting for take-off, I decided to read my complimentary hotel copy of USA Today. The Haiti earthquake, of course, is still the biggest news story and while flipping and skimming through the articles and photos about the devastation and relief efforts, the mom in me just couldn't be contained - I started to cry. It's no fun crying in public, but it's especially no fun crying on a plane. In the middle seat. Between two strange men. It's down right embarrassing but I couldn't stop myself.

I, like many self-absorbed Americans and busy single moms, don't have nearly as much time as I would like to read and watch the news. While I had been hearing all about the earthquake through friends and news snippets, headlines here and there, the magnitude of the devastation didn't fully hit me until I sat down with the paper today and really absorbed the figures and photos.

One of the poorest of all nations in the world, flattened by mother nature. The death toll keeps rising and we all know nature does not discriminate. Mothers, fathers, children, babies, dying and suffering and with the collapse of major infrastructure, many more will die. I can't help but imagine my own child in these situations and reading article after article about the devastation in Haiti made me count my blessings. It also made me admit that I am completely unprepared for a large earthquake.

A little over a year ago we had a small, but slightly frightening, earthquake here in SoCal. I was living in Van Nuys at the time and it really shook my three story building. I had felt a few tiny quakes since coming to Los Angeles in 2001, but this was the first one that actually scared me. I yelled to my nanny, who was in the living room with my 1 year old daughter and this is the dialogue we had:

"It's an earthquake and it's kind of a big one!"

"What are we supposed to do?!" (she was from Kansas)

"Um... pick up the baby! Maybe we should put on our shoes?"

And then it was over. Fortunately, it wasn't "the big one", but do you think I've learned any more about earthquake preparedness since then? The truth is, a little, but not much. I did learn that you're supposed to get under something sturdy, not stand in a doorway, don't run outside - but that's about it. Having grown up in Minnesota, I can tell you EXACTLY what to do during a tornado, but earthquakes are a mysterious beast to this Midwestern girl.

It's so easy to put things off without daily reminders. As a single mom, it seems like I have a thousand other things more important to do each day. Much more important than assembling an emergency supply kit of things we will probably never use and devising and discussing a plan with my nanny and my ex. But the Haiti quake - the pictures of orphaned children, sobbing mothers, bodies in the street - made me realize that it IS important. Would I ever be able to forgive myself if my daughter or nanny was trapped in our house without at least a supply of clean water? If they were injured without basic first aid supplies? Never. Getting prepared is on my list of things to do tomorrow and if you're not ready, then it should be on your to-do list too. I'm not an alarmist, but I am a realist. A procrastinating one, but a realist, nonetheless.

Every part of the country has it's natural disasters - know your risks and the dos and don'ts for your region. For those of you in earthquake areas, FEMA and MyGreatHome.com are two very informative sites that can help you prepare and maybe even survive someday. Let's hope we never need to use this information!

I always miss my little girl when I go away on work trips, but I have always been lucky enough to come home to a healthy child and a safe home. I hope she never has to experience the terror of a major natural disaster like the one in Haiti, but I can do my best to be prepared and help her through it in case she does. My heart goes out to all of the people affected by the Haiti earthquake and may those who perished rest in peace. Especially the children.

Valentine's Day Is Coming - Are you Fresh & Easy (& cheap)?

OK, more Fresh & Easy! Since I was so freakin' slow getting my post about the holiday treats up, I wanted to get my Valentine's Day treat post up right away. Why? Because I love Fresh & Easy and I'm pretty sure I can convert you too.

F&E just sent me two boxes of their special V-Day nosh and wines and once again they have some really great treats available for you at amazing prices! Check out these products and the other great stuff they have and you won't even have to tell your sweetheart you didn't spend a fortune.

Here's the loot in order from L-R:

Fresh and Easy Snickerdoodle Cookies - $2.59/8 ct

As much as I hate to admit it, these snickerdooodles are almost as good as mine and I'm a damn good baker. Because of my status as Damn Good Baker, I usually can't stand store bought cookies. The kind that come from the grocery store bakery are usually the worst - dry and flavorless - but these are really really good! They are chewy and just the right amount of buttery/cinnamony/sugary/sweet. Buy them.

Montcadi Cava Rose - $6.99 (on sale for $4.99)

I haven't opened either of these bottles yet, but trust me, I will. This is a rose sparkling wine that was a recent Double Gold winner at the San Francisco International Wine Competition. Get it while it's only 5 bucks before it goes to it's outrageous regular price of 7 bucks. Bwahahaha!

McGuigan Hand Made Barossa Shiraz - $12.99 (on sale for $8.99)

This is an Australian wine that is described as going well with red meats or strong cheeses. I haven't met a strong cheese I didn't like, so I have plans for this bottle.

Sweet Boutique Gourmet Swiss Truffles - $3.99/6.3 oz

This seems to be a milk and dark chocolate copy cat of the amazing Lindt Lindor Truffles and the good news is they are almost as delicious and for about half the price. My ball split in half when I bit into it, but the chocolate was nice and smooth and tasty.

Fresh and Easy One Huge Hunk Chocolate Bar w Pecans & Fruit - $4.29/14 oz

OK, this one is pretty self explanatory and how can you NOT buy something chocolate named "One Huge Hunk"? Go for it.

You really should stop in to your local F&E if you live in Cali, Arizona or Nevada. You'll be glad you did. And if I haven't raved enough, here's something else, non-food, that I love about F&E... click here to read about their green building initiatives. Helping the environment and saving you money - ahhhh. Refreshing!

Holiday Lattes, Episencial, Fresh & Easy - I'm Fat & My Baby Is SmoothSmooth!

Here are the rest of the holiday events I got to take part in over, duh, the holidays. So much fun and so much to write about...which is why I'm so far behind. I hope you see something here that you like! Well, who doesn't like milk, cookies, wine and lotion?! Sounds like a night of fun to me. Go on people... CONSUME!

2) GOT MILK Holiday Latte Event

OK, so I'm Asian and I'm in my 30s - the lactose intolerance has definitely kicked in over the last couple years, but I was adopted by white people in the Midwest and I grew up drinking 2% milk as a beverage at every meal. I love me some dairy and the GOT MILK people really know how to get their moo on.

Their Holiday Latte event was held at Le Pain Quotidien (HELLO YUM!) in L.A. and it was so much fun! We had delicious pastries and cookies and of course the lattes. My favorite was the eggnog latte - spiked, of course. Really delicious. I also had a pumpkin latte and an amazing hand/arm massage. There were fun wintery themed crafts for the kids and a raffle drawing and goodie bags. The venue was a little crowded so I'm glad Aubrey wasn't with me, but a fun time was had by all!

A giant thanks to Anglina Valencia, our gracious host, for putting together such a great event for all of us. She is one of those people who always makes you smile and remembers your name and face. It was a great way to kick off the holiday treat consumption (like I need an excuse) and it was totally worth the gas (both in my car and in my... well, you know what I mean).

3) Episencial / SproutBaby.com's Sensational Mom Spa Event

When I'm not bribing my child with popsicles to do her poo-poo in the potty or telling jokes in Pennsylvania, I'm hanging out with fancy people at swanky house parties in the Hollywood Hills. Well, maybe not all THAT often, but on December 8, I actually was. Episencial and SproutBaby.com threw a wonderful party to show off Episencial's new babies and children line of skin care products.

The party was really cool - complimentary massages, infant massage demo, delicious vegetarian nosh, fun crafts for the little ones and my favorite part (since I missed the massages) - a sit down with Dr Alan Greene, an amazing "green" pediatrician and author of the terrific book, Raising Baby Green and Feeding Baby Green. He talked about EVERYTHING moms of little ones want to know. Food allergies, organic foods, soy milk, air cleaning plants, picky eaters and food imprinting... he was absolutely fascinating and full of useful knowledge. We also received an autographed copy of Raising Baby Green. Woo-hoo!

Before I go any further, let me tell you that my daughter has had persistent and fairly serious eczema for over a year. I received a tube of Episencial's "Soothing Cream" in my goodie bag and I'm hooked! It has been the best thing I've used on her eczema and she loves the Eric Carle illustration on the tube. We call it "caterpillar lotion"! Cute, huh? Yes, the smart Episencial folks made a sweet deal with Eric Carle and all of their products are designed with his famous, beloved illustrations.

I can't say enough good things about these products. A couple of the highlights:

- VERY reasonably priced

- no synthetic chemicals

- scented with real fruit juice extracts - not fragrances

- all natural ingredients and lots of organics

- packaged in recycled and sustainable materials, phthalate & BpA free

- manufactured under solar power!

Please check out their products and their Facebook Fan Page today!

4) Fresh & Easy - HELL YEAH!

I have been singing the praises of Fresh & Easy since I learned about them last summer. As much as I'd like to keep their store in Van Nuys my own little secret, I can't stop blabbing on and on about them. They have a nice big parking lot (unlike Trader Joe's) and I haven't set foot in a TJ's in ages.

Last month, I was treated to a special holiday sampling of Fresh & Easy's sweets and wines! In order from left to right:

Cranberry & Nut Popcorn Clusters ($4.99): YUM! My daughter begged to eat these from the second she saw them. She LOVES popcorn and, being only two and a half, had never sampled popcorn drenched in a sticky, crunchy, sugary sauce before. Definitely a hit. My boyfriend polished off most of the container and he gives it two thumbs up!

Vine Yard Cabernet Franc ($7.99) & Ogio Prosecco Spumante ($8.99): The man and I drank the cab Franc and really enjoyed it. I'm not a wine connoisseur, but Mr Boyfriend is. While he wouldn't say it was an AWESOME bottle of Cab Franc, it was easy to drink and nice for a casual dinner at home. Bottom line - and I'm a bottom line kind of gal - it costs $8!! WHAAA?!! Even if you hate wine, what the heck? We haven't popped the Prosecco yet, but soon. Soon!

Sweet Boutique Gourmet Swiss Chocolate Assortment ($7.99): I brought this box of yum (and the next biscuits) out at a holiday party and they went over well. There were milk & dark chocolate pieces and while some were a little too sweet or "gourmet" tasting for my personal tastes, overall, very delicious and beautifully packaged. Don't ask me though because I dig a Twix bar like none other... and would eat one off the ground if I were lucky enough to find one.

Sweet Boutique Belgian Biscuit Collection ($7.99): I really loved this one and so did my party guests... and my daughter when she snuck one behind my back at our annual holiday party. Cookies covered in chocolate in a pretty gold tin for only eight bucks... Enough said.

Fresh & Easy is awesome and this isn't the last you'll hear about them on my blog. The employees at my local store are always kind, polite and helpful. The food is great and most of all affordable. I especially love the way they are taking simple steps to conserve energy, help the environment and ultimately, save you $$!! Simple. Great! Thanks F&E!