Moooove Bitch! I moved! 2010 Census!

Quick note to announce the move is finally DONE! Well, just the moving part. Last week, I packed my toddler, my chihuahua, my boyfriend and all our crap and we moved 10 miles down the road. We found a more affordable, nicer home in a great neighborhood with awesome schools, closer to boyfriend's office and child's father so... duh. We moved. Loving the new place so far, but as with any change there are pluses and minuses. Here's what I'll really miss:

- Futher away from Vietnamese and Korean food and my favorite grocery store, Fresh and Easy. Sigh

- We are in a town home community so it's a little harder to deal with parking. No private driveway

- Little further away from a park with a playground, but still within walking distance (hey, I have to be lazy sometimes)

- Most of all - my friends. I had 4 really wonderful friends just within a mile or two of my old house. The kind of friends you could call on last minute either for a favor or for a lunch get together. The kind you leave a spare house key with. I'm only 10 miles away now, but it does make a difference having good friends really close by.

I'll just have to keep the Girl Scout song in mind. That one about making new friends but keeping the old. I was never a Girl Scout (my mom wouldn't let me) but the song is a good one. I'll have to make some new friends over here, deeper in the Valley and in the meantime, I'll work really hard on convincing my old friends to move out here.

Oh - ASIAN AMERICANS! The 2010 census form! If you haven't filled it out and sent it back in yet, get on the damn ball people! An accurate count can help us receive our share of over $400 billion in annual federal funds for services our community needs. Unfortunately, past decades have shown that Asian Americans are among the groups most likely to discard their Census forms. Please do your part and fill it out, send it in. Still freaked out? Here...

Fill In Our Future is a campaign created by AAPI Action to promote and encourage the participation of the Asian American community in the 2010 Census. Their website, fillinourfuture.org, features frequently asked Census questions, in-language resources (in over 24 Asian languages), informational brochures, sample Census forms, in-language assistance guides, celebrity and community leader PSA's (Public Service Announcements) and monthly contests and giveaways. The larger campaign also includes media and community outreach, workshops, a speaker's bureau and training seminars. No excuses! Represent and do your duty! It only takes a few minutes.

PSA over. Anderson... OUT!

Rich Dad, Poor Mom

Just because I don't sit in a cubicle or work a 9 to 5 doesn't mean I don't work. Telling jokes on stage is only one part of my "job" and being a mom is another part, only the mom portion of my work hasn't made me a dime yet. What the heck?!

Trip to the farmers' market: FREE

Pony Ride: $4.00

This goofy little face: Priceless

Response to little girl's pony addiction: "Ponies are for people on the Forbes list."

The new 2010 Forbes "Richest People In The World List" just came out on March 10 and I was shocked and embarrassed to discover, once again, I'm NOT on it. Whaaat?!

Seriously, if they had a "Most Money Spent On Pony Rides" or Highest Number Of Times Purchased the Wrong Size Socks For Their Child" list, I'm pretty darn sure I'd be on it.

The list made bigger news than usual because a new guy, a Mexican guy nonetheless, has dethroned Bill Gates which has only happened, I believe, 3 times in the last 15 years. Don't sweat it, Bill. 2010 ain't over yet.

While discussing this rich people list, my boyfriend began to read a list of the Forbes richest women in the world, pointing out that most of these gals inherited their money. Also, there aren't any women in the top ten of Richest People In the World list. In fact the richest woman in the world is Christy Walton and she comes in at a paltry 12. The only other woman in the top 25 is Christy's sister-in-law, Alice Walton, at number 16 and she's a real winner - killed a 50 year old mother of two while drunk driving in 1989 and was never charged or cited any fines. She was then cited for drunk driving in 1996 and it cost her $925. I should mention she's an avid horse woman. She should stick to driving horses.

After bickering with my boyfriend about this incongruent comparison of lists - richest men vs richest women - I got to thinking of how there will probably never be women at the top of this list and the women's list will mostly be filled with heiresses.

They are a myriad reasons why this is the case but the one that stuck out to me is that in order for a woman to achieve that much financial success on her own, she pretty much sacrifices her femininity. She has to become one of the boys and this means, among many things, not having children. Most of the richest women do not have children and many are not married. Although about half of the richest men also inherited their fortunes but Forbes (nor my boyfriend) managed to make a point of it like they did about the women.

So this brings us to the good old, "Can Women Really Have It All" debate. It's an old one and there are no cut and dry answers, but it seems to be much harder for a woman to make a giant pile of money than it is for a man. Can we just agree on that? The question for me now is, "Should I care?"

I'm a comedian which is a very male dominated field. Both men and women asked me all the time if I was going to quit performing when they found out I was pregnant. When I answered no, they asked if I would take the baby on the road with me! Please! No man comedian who is a father has ever been asked these two questions. It's just assumed a man will go about progressing in his career field after a child is born whereas a woman will probably quit working or if she's the breadwinner of her household, like myself, she'll magically take her child to work with her into smokey comedy clubs and remote college campuses and somehow do shows and watch her child, simultaneously. Sure. I'm just THAT amazing.

But as I bust my single-mom hump and spend every penny I make on child care, rent and insurance (and pony rides), just like most Americans, I can't help but feel guilty about not being with my daughter more often. I can't help but wonder if I'm screwing up her life by traveling for a living. How is it that men can work and work and work AND have kids and not sit at their desk or on a plane, wondering if their kid slept through the night or did they poo-poo in the potty this morning? How is it that men manage to have both, both but only have to "do" one? Those silly, smart men with their robot-like emotions.

As I ramble on, I'm not claiming to have the answers to any of these open ended, rhetorical questions and I'm not implying that fathers don't love their children. And I admit, I'm a little jealous of the heiresses and the men who get everything, but at the end of the day I'm not drinking my life away because boo-hoo, I'm so rich and I can't take it, I'm glad my daughter actually recognizes me when I come home from work. I have accepted my role as working mom and I'm proud to be able to put food on the table for my daughter and me, but it can be hard. Super duper hard. At this point, I won't be leaving a fat trust fund for my daughter but at least I can say I gained my child's love the old fashioned way. I earned it.

Busy Busy Busy Busy... EXHAUSTED!

Sorry I haven't been writing. I have been dealing with my toddler's sleep issues, my ex's, um, ex issues as well as getting ready to move and being on the road. Life has been beyond crazy lately. I'm not sure why I haven't jumped off a bridge yet.

Good thing is I found a great new place to live that is going to save me some rental bucks, an AMAZING pre school for my daughter (fingers crossed we get in) and I have some fun shows coming up with friends and then shows where I get to visit friends and family.

I'm so tired right now that I'm not even sure what I'm writing and my allergies (or maybe I'm sick? I can't tell anymore) are making me so insane I broke down and made an appointment with my Chinese American acupuncturist/herbalist even though I can't afford it right now. Must be able to breathe and function like a human at least, right?

So, more will be on the way shortly. In the meantime, here's an adorable picture of Aubrey to keep you satisfied. Awwww. So cute!

I Love You. You're Disgusting.

Ready for a little TMI? If you're not, then too bad. Read about the glamour, the beauty of the motherhood that is my reality right now. I dare you...

I was ill prepared for how disgusting motherhood would be. It started right away too - pregnancy is so gross. I don't care how much you LOVED being pregnant (I didn't), you have to admit it was rude. The gallons of toxic vaginal mucous and crusty stuff coming out of my nipples made me wish I had saved all those latte dollars for a surrogate.

At any rate, I made it through. Then came the super yucky delivery - placenta pate anyone? Truly horrifying recovery - fourth degree tear, couldn't wipe my ass clean after a bowel movement for almost two months. And infancy - poop pee poop pee poop pee and so on and so on and so on. I had changed dirty diapers before, as a babysitter in my teens, but I was really disenchanted by the other grossness of motherhood.

My little girl, Aubrey, is almost three. Three in June. She's sweet and kind. Snuggly and girly. She loves her baby doll and her stuffed animals. She loves to smell flowers and help mommy bake in the kitchen. She's also the grossest person I've ever met. Every day seems to bring a new level of yuck into our home, especially since using the toilet is still so funny, exciting and scary all at once. Lots of potty talk.

Now, before I go any further, I'd like to state that I do NOT have a weak stomach. I grew up with three older brothers and it's almost impossible to truly gross me out. I just can't believe how rude motherhood can be.

These are three actual, verbatim conversations I've had with Aubrey recently:

(Opening to Aubrey's bedroom door upon waking up in the morning.)

Aubrey: Mommy! Look! (running up her bed to her pillow, pointing to a gray, crusty blob on the wall) That came out of my nose!!

Me: Wow! That's great sweetie! Is that a big boogie?

Aubrey: YEAH!!

(She was SO excited.)

(Aubrey sitting on the toilet but not going potty, starts poking around down under. Like REALLY down under, to door number two. Then she sniffs her index finger and yells.)

Aubrey: What's that smell?! (holding her finger out to me) Smell it mommy!

Me: No thank you. I don't want to smell your finger. Are you done trying? Let's wash your hands.

(Aubrey is digging ferociously in her ear with her pinky. She pulls it out and offers it to me.)

Aubrey: Taste it mommy!

Me: Ummmm... no thanks.

I often wonder why I still like this person. If this were an adult, I would not want to hang out with them. Young children are so primal - like little animals. Sometimes I feel like I have a magical talking pet in the house. And it's times like these that make me realize the mother child bond really is something special. There's no one else in the world whose offer of "smell my finger" after touching their butt, would make me laugh and inspire me to write.

I know it's my job to teach her it's inappropriate to do these things. The trick is to do it without making her ashamed of or self conscious about her body or feel like she's naughty for exploring her world. It's a fine line and no one wants their child to be the gross-out kid at school.

I'm enjoying the humor in all of this while I can because I know, soon enough, my daughter will be a big kid who likes the feeling of being clean, washing her hands and brushing her teeth all on her own. I think it's right around that time she will start thinking I'm totally lame and embarrassing and I'll be writing about ungratefulness instead. So for now, I'll take the boogers and stinky fingers in exchange for all the hugs, kisses and I love you mommys. Totally worth it. Gross, but worth it.

Funk Funk In a FUNK!

Life is busy. Too busy. As I mentioned in my last post, I'm going to try to move at the end of this month and now that I've made up my mind to get the heck out of Dodge (well, Sherman Oaks) I can't find a place. Searching for the right home is a lot like having another job. Lots of research, phone calls, meetings, discussions and decisions. Granted, I've only been looking a couple weeks, but I'm already super frustrated.

After viewing several places that just weren't it, we found a great town home in the perfect neighborhood. We hustled to get our application in and then we sat and... waited. The next day the leasing agent told me the owner is considering moving back in!! WHAT?!!! She didn't have the entire story yet and said she would get back to me as soon as she new the details. Ugh.

So... we wait some more. In the mean time, I'm finding there is almost no inventory in our price range, in the neighborhoods we want.

I'm the kind of person who likes to get on with the getting on once I make up my mind and now that I've decided I want out of this current house, I'm going nuts having to wait and having few other options to look at.

If anyone out there has a 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom, 2 car garage house/town house/duplex in Woodland Hills/Warner Center area, that they would like to rent to my LOVELY family and me, please, for the love of God, let me know.

Another Year, Another Move

I'm not exactly sure, but I think I have moved EVERY DAMN YEAR since 2003 or 2004. And moved a hell of a lot before that too. Always different reasons. Some involving a man (rather not talk about it), a roommate, baby being born, landlord changes, etc. Said baby is a toddler now, I have happily shed said man, I'm getting older and, believe it or not, I'm in a relationship that might actually last - I'm feeling the need to fluff up the nest and stay a while. Problem is, I live in one of the most expensive counties in the US, but I love it. Furthermore, I have shared custody of my child and for me that means I'm here for now unless I want to ditch my kid. So...

I am currently renting a small house in a neighborhood that I LOVE, but the house can kiss my ass.

Here are the loves:

- Location, location, location! Great safe neighborhood, close to park, mall, stores, restaurants, quiet street, can hop right on to two of the biggest freeways in minutes. It's uber convenient!

- Quality of life - I have several very wonderful friends within a couple miles or less of my front door. Some are even within walking distance.

- Love the house size and design

Here's the not so much:

- This little house's utilities are killing me! Power and gas are sky high and rent ain't cheap. BUT rent ain't cheap anywhere decent in L.A. County

- Old house is drafty and cold in winter - but cool in summer. Freezing my tush off right now. No insulation and the walls are paper thin.

- Pool - fun, but not worth the cost and liability with little ones around

- Maintenance crew is slower than a retarded snail (house is owned by an apt complex company)

- Major ant problem. Major.

- Electric dryer hook up. REALLY? Lame. Expensive.

- Why are my washer and dryer in my kitchen? REALLY? Lame. Noisy. Dusty.

- General condition of the house is not so great. Not immediately noticeable, visually, but the kind of old house BS that makes me REALLY glad I don't own this place.

It's been a nice little house to rent temporarily, but it's just not where I want to stay for long. Aubrey will be starting pre-school this summer and I guess I'd rather get on with the getting on now and get it over with. I'd love to find a place to stay put in and, sadly, this just isn't it.

Sincerely,

Sick Of Moving

L.A. Moms Invade Pacific Waters Spa - AHHH!

The Asian Valley Girls Get Their Spa On!

Bern-Baby-Bern, FunnyYellowMom & SweatPantsMom

This mama is RELAXED! I am not usually a spa girl. Spa treatments are pricey and take a lot of time. I admit, I have a hard time relaxing. As a working mom with a really weird career, there is always something more important to do than getting a mani/pedi. However, last night I was lucky enough to be part of a promotional night of pampering at Pacific Waters Spa at the Huntington Beach Hyatt and oh boy, did I take my time and relax!

A group of us exhausted and deserving (hee hee) mothers were given robes and slippers and ushered into the "Relaxation Room". Then massage therapists and estheticians appeared and one by one called us in for our spa treatments. We received mini neck/back/shoulder massages, hand treatments and facials which were all amazing!

My awesome esthetician, Madea (oh gosh, did I spell her name right?)

We also learned how to make a Coco Mocha Latte Mask and a Peppy Sugar Scrub at home with regular food items from the grocery store. We were given a tour of the entire spa and it was beautiful!

My second favorite part, after the massage, was our own special buffet and a post spa, custom made drink, called the "Momtini". Yes please.

Seriously, I've been to the Burke Williams Spas before and the Pacific Waters Spa puts Burkey-Poo to shame and for comparable prices. Every spa treatment you can imagine is available here including a treatments for men, couples treatments, special soaks, full salon and fitness classes. The staff was professional and capable and the food was amazing.

I can't recommend Pacific Waters Spa enough and I can't wait to go back there. NOW, here's the great news for my friends here in SoCal - become a Fan on Pacific Waters Spa on Facebook and write on their wall, "Referred by Amy Anderson" and they will give you 20% off any 60 minute spa treatment!!! WOOHOO! And if I refer a zillion people to follow/Fan them on Twitter and Facebook, I will get some spa services too! (You didn't think I did this without a motive, did you?) You have until January 31... GO!