It turned into spring, I did a whole bunch of shows in New England and upstate NY, my daughter started yelling at the dogs in full sentences and now, it's Easter. Easter I tell you!! Where does the time go? Wasn't it just Valentine's Day or Kwanzaa or something? Jeez.
Well, the latest and greatest is that yesterday, I got LASIK surgery. I have been severely nearsighted since I was a kid. Wearing glasses since 7th grade and finally got contacts in college, but I've always hated the whole eye routine. It's a pain, especially when you travel for a living. And doubly, especially since I forget stuff ALL THE TIME. Stuff like my contact lens case, my glasses, my contact lens solution. I'm usually so busy trying to figure out how many pair of underwear I need (bad with numbers) that I forget the little stuff.
Well, the surgery went really smoothly and many people have been asking me to describe it because they have been considering it for quite some time but are too chicken shit to actually do it. So, here goes...
1) If you're REALLY squeamish about putting stuff in your eyes, having your eyes touched, not being able to see, having your eyes held open with a clamp a la A Clockwork Orange and sliced open with lasers and stuff like that... this is NOT the procedure for you. However, it is done rather quickly. The whole thing (both eyes) only lasts about 15 mins, so if you can endure the agony, it's probably worth it. It really was weird and unsettling, but cool too. I'm fascinated by medical procedures though and I am not squeamish about stuff, so I'll try to be honest as if I were an averagely squeamish person.
2) Don't let people tell you, "You go in and 15 minutes later, it's done and you can see!" This is kind of true, but as soon as the numbing drops wear off (this would be in the car while your VERY nice boy/girlfriend, spouse, friend, chauffeur drives you home) and the Valium and Tylenol combo they give you starts to kick in... well, this is the part no one really told me about.
I don't know if I was having a nutty reaction to the Valium but I was ironically having a fair amount of anxiety and it was extremely uncomfortable and wacky for about 3-4 hours. You feel like you have paper cuts in your eyes and I was unable to open my eyes for the entire time. I felt like my eyelids were paralyzed and it was not awesome. Once I got home and tucked into blankies on the couch, I did fall asleep for a short time and when I woke up (make sure you're still with that really nice boy/girlfriend, spouse, friend, chauffeur) I was feeling a little better and by about the 4th hour, I was feeling pretty darn good. It helps to have someone there to baby you and make you some peanut butter bread and chocolate milk though.
Also, you won't be able to read the sheet of directions for the eye drops, nor which bottle is which set of drops, so really don't do this alone. If you live alone, get a friend to help you and stay for several hours. Buy them lunch the next day, mow their lawn, give sexual favors, whatever you have to do.
3) There is a fairly involved regimen of antibiotic, steroid and lubricating drops to follow and the first day, they sting pretty badly. Now, on day two, I'm happy to report, they just feel wet.
4) But yes, it is quite amazing! Less than 24 hours later and I was driving with clear vision (just some very slight blur and light halos), walking my dogs outside, typing a boring blog and more! It will be a few months before I know how solid my results are and because my prescription was so strong, there's a 7% chance I made need a touch up procedure later.
As aftercare, you're supposed to wear these stupid eye shields at night for a month. They are big plastic lenses that make you look like a fly. Sunglasses outside at all times. Ladies, trannies, emos and queens: no eye makeup for a month. (Yeah, right.) No letting water drip/spray in your eyes while you bathe. No swimming for 2 months. No sex for... just kidding. You can hump all you want.
So far, so good. I'm really pleased with the results and I hope this has helped some of you nervous nellies. My toddler comes home tomorrow, so if I can keep her from wacking me in the eye and dislodging my corneal flap it will have all been worth it.